Tuesday, June 28, 2016


0I am always homesick.
The pattern is identical. I get homesick after 3 weeks of leaving k. Soon i will be seeing nightmares of death of near ones. I will be regretting the number of weekends i missed being with them. Soon i will have completely forgotten the reason i have left in the first place.

The reason?
* Father never being home.
* Father being with somebody JB
* Mother perpetually depressed.
*Mother always talkin about sadness, despite having no unhappy ocuurances.
*so much so that even the widowed aunt avoided her. Saying she only talks about "dukkho"
*Baba giving his point of view. Making me feel why ma is so blind? Not seeing the obvious that her relatives are doing around her? Why doesnt she ever support baba. What kind of wife is this? If he is happy with the smallest of things..why not serve him food and arrange for a guy to press his clothes? Why is she always competinh with her sisters? Why always taking the words of her sisters in face value? How can she be ok with the ill treatment father had in the hands of in laws? She is so stupid..Doesnt realise her sister gives her the cheapest of gifts. Why  did Baba had to stay in a hotel instead of living with the in laws for a few days?How is she ok with blatant theft from Dadus house by the mashis? Its as if all are dead. How is she ok with Sej using dadu didima for baby sitting and throw them when too old? I dont forget the partial behavior of didima towards other cousins compared to myself. The pearl necklaxe incident. Even puja had told me about the differential treatment. That she felt weird.
How did she not see the short change mum and Sodada did on their wedding?
They were really blatant. You have to be too blind to see them.
*Ma giving her point of view.
Baba is generally dirty and wont mend his ways. She is single handedly handling parenthood as father is hardly at home. For father Jamui is equally(or more )important than his nuclear family. Father becoming distant once inside Jamui. Not caring for his asthmatic wife pumping at the tube well. Leaving for Jamui alone doing blackmail. Leaving for ma and the kids to lift the luggaes alone. The ranpant beatings in childhood. I wouls do my childhood a dishonor, if I let these memories  fade. I used to be so scared. I wished to run away. The closed rooms looked so stifling those days. But there was no way out. Be mute and passive as you receive beatings. Dont you ever dare reciprocating. Max you can defend yourself. But insides raged as well as feel humiliated. Also there was guilt sometimes that maybe I provoked it. I hated his smell. I hated his closeness. Before these memories fade from my mind(as decades are passing by). I want to write down that 90% of the times i vot beating because of trying to defend my mother verbally. After she incited in me, the injustices she has received from my father. She told me on and on ( just like she tells about the injustices she received in hands of hospital.administraion) and baam.
* This results in a dwanda between a choice of ma or baba. Black or white. I was always up for theor divorce. I was always up for them going forward with their lives seperately and find happiness.
When I told about baba to ma or vice varsa i got equal hostility and abuses for trying to be on their SIDE.
*Whenever I tried to wave the peace treaty, i was told off even more and the hostility increased.(Now that i understand these things a little, i guess my approach was wrong my my childhood. But even sweet words jad failed and they used to get more angry to.their spouses and used to utter the history geography of their side of injustice again )
*Also it seems that ma gives more importance to the words of my maternal cousins than me.( this probably has to do with distance and less interaction between ma and myself).

* i guess i was always aggressive. I always threw words on face. I never censored any. I told what i felt. Bin never did that..She measured uttered what was needed and her work was done. She kept to herself things that might make other feel bad, or blatantly lied .বলাই বাহুল্য  i didnt have particularly good tome with this approach.

* my father doesnt even want me to be at k. He is always telling me to join husband even if i visited k for just a week. But I remember his aged (kind of helpless) face and cant bear to be a day away from them. I regret why i dont get a posting at my hometown.

* my mother is the bank of knowlege and i feel scared that it will all be gone when she goes. I cant bear to be away from her. Her jokes. Her diacussions. Her massive bank of information. My heart trembles when she talm about degenerating eye or failing lung function. Also the arthritis slowing down a phenomon person like ma scares me. Her smile. Her beauty. I get reminded in the morning after a bad dream. And I realise I am 2100 km away. So helpless. So pathetic. I look at the wall and i cry that time is slipping away and here am I staring at the wall. Ma has taught me.90% of everything I know. Yes.
Its pgenomenon if you compare with others. Its so easy to talm any topic with her. She can talk with old ppl. She can talk with new ppl. No generation gap. I feel helpless that i cant take her to Richters veld, innsbruk or even merely London. She told me stories my whole childhood.Aboit places all over the world.

l feel the negativity fromMa that arises from disagreement. I feel cornered in the k flat with no where to go at the momment. When she tells me that my presense gives her high blood pressure but mind goes blank.
She is a busy woman who is now hardly at home. She does huge amount of housework in the mornings. Goes to hospital in the afternoons. Comes back after lunch and rest goes to visit her ailing mother or buy groceries/milk. No space for a breather.

Father likes to stay at Jamui. I thought i will ask him  will the Jamui ppl behave so nicely if you sell your land or take your fraction of the profits completely pice by poce every month? Will they be ok with your fooding and lodging then ?

Brother doesnt stay at home either. He has become a night owl who sleeps for extended portions of daytime and goes to office and stays awake at nighttime. Not much scope for interaction as i sleep 9 hours at night. Weekends he used to e away with his gf. Previosly i used to feel lonely as his set of friends grew and he didnt have much time with me. Stillwe managed to go to city center together every month.

*The clutter in the house makes  me mad. It gives me a purpose to stay at k house. But nevertheless it disgusts me and tires me. I clean up everything and go. No sooner than 1 month goes away, ad rverything is back. Trust me when i say it takes a huuuge effort to clean up the mess. 1 month of 8 hours almost.  But my family always lived in clutter(and dirt). And i had never fit in there. Since my childhood i dreamt of my own clean home. The bathrooms/brothers room/the cobwebs/the general dirt under feet. Messy finny table/and te always cluttrted bed which is the habit of my mom( who empties her handbag on bed) makes me go all OCD. I roll up my sleeves. Make a chart. Clean up. But its back to square 1 at next visit. I think.about automating regular cleanup with a maid. But my mother disagrees. As I am aging too. All these cleanyp feels toresome even psychologically. And I know i cant stay in this sort of house for long.

There are plenty of times father showed displeasure of me staying over for long. Esp after me opening my mouth. But even generically. Ma today told me to leave for Bangalore. I told i am going to document this. This is to remind myself sitting in Bangalore homesick. That these happens.All the time.

Day 1. Arrive at k. Dole out gifts. Extremely happy everyone. Me goes to sleep disturbingly desperate to come bsck to k.

Day 2. Talk with family. Sad and think of ways to come back ..so desperate to help parents even think of giving jb

Today is 29thof ajune 2016.i will doanything to go away from here in k. Ma came and toldgrandma is really sick. Also the caretaker of grandma said thatshe didnt say granny getting heartpain asmy husband was presentthere???!!
I am hungry but iam feelinh weird toleave this room ans go eat. Remember this feeling? I am sure i will forget again and thinking of gratifying bb.heh

Also the pollution is a great factor.Have difficulty breathing here. I cannot ever have a decent hairstyle in this damo weather. Its just too darn hot. Needto shower thrice a day.
Difficult to work in these conditions.Always feel lethargic



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home